


After Life

by CharlieRoz



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Death, M/M, Short, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-12
Updated: 2013-08-12
Packaged: 2017-12-23 05:28:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/922556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CharlieRoz/pseuds/CharlieRoz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Liam had killed himself months ago, but Zayn can't stop thinking about it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	After Life

**Author's Note:**

> My friend had written something before this, so that's why it might seem like there is something missing, but I'm leaving that to your imagination!

How do you live your life knowing that you let someone else’s slip through your fingers? It was a constant question for Zayn, one that tormented him constantly, as he lied awake in bed at night staring up into the darkness of post-midnight. He was supposed to protect Liam from the harms of life. He was supposed to love him enough to make him love himself. He had failed, and let the man of his life strip himself of his own. Even after all of this time it was enough to flood Zayn's eyes with stinging salt water, pooling above the brims so that his vision was blurry but his cheeks stayed dry. He couldn’t blink, because then he would cry, and he knew there was plenty of time for that later. So he waited it out, stuck with the solid rock in his throat and the burning of his eyes as he concentrated on the blood in his ears until he could calm down. 

For what, though? Once he was sedated enough to close his eyelids, the first thing that would appear behind them was his face, smiling and faded, a haunting, beautiful ghost that Zayn let be created, and that probably hurt even worse. He couldn't stop the whimper that left his mouth, fisting into the sheets. He did this to himself every night, as if subconsciously trying to punish himself with these broken promises—he would imagine Liam lying next to him, his breath on his neck, his hand on his chest resting over his heart, leg thrown over his hips. He could almost hear him whisper his name, press his lips against his shoulder, tug on his shirt to get Zayn to roll over. And he did, but it was to the empty side of the bed instead of into the solid warmth that Liam used to be.

He pictured with shuteyes the opened, welcoming ones of Liam softly smiling back at him. It was the kind of smile that put Zayn in a trance, because Liam only saved it for him, in times like those, where it was just them and their love. He could practically feel Liam's hand sliding over his side and down his back, pulling him close to his body. In reality, Zayn dragged himself even nearer to the edge, tucking a pillow between his legs and hugging it with his arms. Liam would always bring a hand to his hair, push it away from Zayn's face and hold his cheek before kissing him, long and deep. Zayn couldn’t even help it when the tears skipped over his nose and onto the sheets, swimming through his eyelashes. It was his fault that he couldn’t have that anymore. If he would’ve been just an hour earlier, maybe he could have stopped him; if he would’ve woken Liam up that day to give him a goodbye kiss, maybe he would have felt needed; if he would’ve told Liam he loved him more, maybe then Liam would have believed him, and he would have seen how much Zayn cared, how much no one else mattered.

He was making noises by then, choking out sobs like every night prior, squeezing the pillow that Liam had laid his head on and watched Zayn watch him until sleep a countless number of times before. It just hurt. Everything hurt. His head, his muscles, his _heart_. Liam was the one who used to take away the hurt, and Zayn guessed that he just couldn’t handle that burden anymore... Now what was Zayn supposed to do? Keep thinking about him so vividly that he would break every time he tried to reach out for him and he hit nothing but air? He didn’t know how much longer he could do that, but what was he going to do? He wasn’t going to take his own life like Liam had— no matter how much he missed him, he still had a job to do being strong for the others who mourned for him as well. So maybe he just wouldn’t be able to do that anymore. He’d have to find another person to lean on. And even then, he’d see no one other than Liam himself.


End file.
